


I’d Like to Walk Around in Your Mind

by brissajd



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 07:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24347464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brissajd/pseuds/brissajd
Summary: When Jungwoo goes on hiatus, Jaehyun decides it’s time to talk about them.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Jungwoo
Comments: 11
Kudos: 124





	I’d Like to Walk Around in Your Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t know Jungwoo nor do I know his reason for leaving. This is just my own headcanon based on the information given to us.
> 
> Depression is only implied, not outright mentioned but if this bothers you, no need to read!
> 
> Title based on [this song](https://youtu.be/82xcICYq11Y) which I love and makes me think of jaewoo

The news shouldn’t come as a surprise but it’s still sudden. It’s during one of their weekly meetings in the living room, speaking out any issues anyone has had or any encouraging words they want to share. Jungwoo has been silent since they started, he’s sitting next to Taeyong and across from Jaehyun. He wishes he was closer to him.

“I’m going on a break.” The words are sharp, even sharper to Jaehyun who quickly looks up from picking at his nails. There’s a deafening silence so their manager speaks up.

“We spoke with the company and decided it’s best for him to take a break right now, as much time as he needs.” The manager says before giving a nod to Taeyong, signaling for him to take over. Jaehyun still hasn’t really processed the news, it shouldn’t be so much of a shock to him. Jungwoo hadn’t been feeling well and since that day at the airport, when he rushed home instead of flying with them to LA, he hasn’t been himself. Jaehyun wishes he could’ve done something before this. Of course, it’s good for Jungwoo to get rest and some time to himself but Jaehyun can’t help but be selfish and think about how much he’s going to miss him.

“You don’t have to tell us why, Jungwoo. We understand it’s hard and we’re glad you were able to get some time off. Just know that we’re always here for you if you need to talk and we’ll still be here when you decide to continue with activities.” Taeyong gives him a reassuring smile and a pat on the back. The rest of the members giving similar comments and telling him they love him.

“Thank you everyone, really, I appreciate your kind words. I’m very sorry for doing this out of the blue, I don’t want to be a burden. I just haven’t felt like myself lately and I’d rather do something now than let it get worse, if that makes sense.” Jungwoo says everything he needs to say without needing to be explicit. Jaehyun understands, he gets it, and everyone else probably does too. It’s something they’ve all experienced at one point, some more than others. If you let it get to you, it eats you up from the inside. Jaehyun wants to hug Jungwoo and tell him he’s there, that he can talk to him, punch him, kiss him, do whatever he wants to him if it can make him feel better. He doesn’t say that though, instead opts to say the same thing the others have said.

They call it a night after some short comments from Taeyong, wrapping up any discussions and giving a few ideas on how things will go once Jungwoo leaves. God, he makes it sound like Jungwoo is leaving forever. He’ll probably be back soon, how much time does he really need? Jaehyun shakes his head softly, he needs to stop being selfish.

~

It lasts a month, then another, and now it’s been four. Jaehyun doesn’t feel it as much anymore, being busy with events here and there but moving into the new dorm and being told he’ll room with Jungwoo has made it harder. He’s arranged his room how he wants while Jungwoo is at his parents’ home, his new mattress collecting dust in the living room.

They’ve talked of course, visited Jungwoo a few times in small groups, Jaehyun hasn’t been since October. They haven’t talked about them, Jaehyun thinks it’s not the right time to talk about it when Jungwoo is going through this. He just wants him to feel better and come back. 

Taeyong tells him they’re going again this weekend, there’s nothing planned then and he reminds Jaehyun that he needs to go. Everyone has already been twice but Jaehyun only one time. He agrees because he knows he has to, the last thing he needs is for Jungwoo to be upset at him. It’s only going to be him, Taeil and Taeyong, he’s glad because he can’t imagine all of them barging into Jungwoo’s house and overwhelming him and his parents.

It’s barely Tuesday but the weekend comes fast, Jaehyun is excited but he’s dreading it nonetheless. What’s he going to say? Sorry I haven’t visited, I can’t look at your beautiful face right now because I know you’re hurting and I can’t do anything about it? He’s pathetic. When they’re finally in the car, Taeyong calls Jungwoo’s mom in advance and tells her they want to show up as a surprise. Jaehyun overhears her say that Jungwoo would love that and it makes him smile but he hides it behind his hand. Taeil looks over and gives him a knowing pat on his leg. It’s not like they know but they definitely know.

The drive is far to Jungwoo’s hometown, about forty minutes from their dorm so Jaehyun decides to catch some shut-eye. He dreams of Jungwoo, he’s smiling at him and reaching for a hug but when Jaehyun walks closer to him his smile fades. He starts to sob, his face contorting into something strange and Jaehyun doesn’t know what to do. He tells him to calm down, that he’s there for him but it’s like he can’t speak, no words coming out. Jungwoo just cries and hits him before falling to the floor, letting his head hang. Jaehyun is scared and he tries to get close to him but it’s as if he’s being held back, Jungwoo getting farther and farther away from him. He runs to get to him but gets nowhere, running in place as Jungwoo’s limp body fades away. He jumps up when he feels a punch on his arm.

“Ow! What’d you do that for?” Jaehyun furrows his eyebrows and looks to his left. Taeil is giggling.

“We’re almost there dummy, don’t want you to see Jungwoo with crusties in your eyes.” He turns back towards the window and Jaehyun rubs his eyes, feeling some drool dry up on the corner of his mouth.

“Bad dream?” He hears Taeil whisper. “You were making some noises, didn’t sound too good.”

“I’m fine” Jaehyun says bluntly, remembering what he was dreaming a few minutes ago. He stares at the window at the passing shops and lets himself think of nothing.

~

They arrive at a quarter to two, the car parks a good distance away from the house since they don’t want to draw too much attention. Jungwoo’s house is nice, small and comforting like Jaehyun’s own childhood home. There’s a garden of various flowers lining the pathway to the front door and Jaehyun notices a small patch of growing roses, he should’ve brought some.

Taeyong calls Jungwoo’s mom again to tell her they’re outside. She comes out soon enough, tip toeing and whispering her way towards them. They’ve met her, of course, but seeing any mother figure in person is enough to make them miss their own moms. Jaehyun feels a tinge of sadness as she hugs her way through Taeyong and Taeil, finally reaching Jaehyun and cupping his cheeks.

“I’m so happy you’re here, he mentions you a lot.” She gives him the warmest smile and Jaehyun can see the resemblance to Jungwoo in the way her eyes curve. He responds with a smile before being pulled into a hug. He thinks of what Jungwoo could have told her. Did she say that to the others? He doesn’t allow himself to dwell on it and instead follows inside behind everyone.

They walk quietly through the small foyer, taking off their shoes and placing them inside the cabinet. Jaehyun is still trailing behind everyone else, of course he’s nervous and he doesn’t want to be first person Jungwoo sees, it should definitely be Taeyong. He hears Jungwoo’s mom say he’s in the kitchen so they shuffle their way through the main living space and past two bedrooms. Jaehyun tries to take everything in; the portraits of Jungwoo and his sister hanging on the wall, beautiful paintings around them and some artwork that seems to be done by children. He notices a tall shelf full of medals and certificates, he makes a note to ask about it later.

The kitchen is tucked away on the farthest corner of the house which makes it easier for them to hide. His mom goes in first, asking Jungwoo if he needs anything and Jaehyun can finally hear his voice, albeit muffled. He sounds calm and he wonders if it’s different than when he speaks to the members. His mom mentions she has a surprise and before they know it Taeyong is jumping out from behind the corner, Jungwoo screams before bursting into laughter. He can’t see what’s going on but he imagines they’re hugging.

“Oh my god, you’re here!” He hears Jungwoo say. Taeil turns to look at Jaehyun, signaling that he’s going next. He jumps out as Jaehyun is about to give a thumbs up and hears another gasp from Jungwoo. Jaehyun isn’t ready. He’s nervous, scared, embarrassed out of his mind. What if he doesn’t want to see him? But his mom said Jungwoo talks about him, of course he’ll be happy, right? As Jaehyun is contemplating his thoughts, he senses someone behind him and as he turns to see who it is, he’s attacked by a large body wrapping its arms around his shoulders. It feels and smells like Jungwoo. Jaehyun quickly wraps his arms around Jungwoo’s waist, bringing him as close as he can, breathing in the scent of soap and strawberry shampoo.

Jungwoo backs away first and neither of them say anything as they look at each other, take each other in. His cheeks look full and there’s a glow on his face that Jaehyun hasn’t seen since their trainee days. Jaehyun speaks before it gets awkward, there’s people around and they’re in Jungwoo’s home.

“Hey, uh, I’m here.” Jaehyun let’s out a breathy laugh and Jungwoo shakes his head.

“Finally, you had me thinking you didn’t want to see me!” Jungwoo does an exaggerated pout but it doesn’t last long before he’s giggling again. His mom comes out of the kitchen and says she’s laid out plates for everyone. It’s a good thing they came on empty stomachs because she’s set up a full course meal for them all. They eat and speak among each other, it’s only Jungwoo and his mom today so it feels more comfortable. Jaehyun is happy to be eating home cooked food, sure their dorm auntie cooks delicious food but there’s something about a mother’s cooking that makes it better.

Taeyong offers to stay behind and wash the dishes but Jungwoo’s mom insists that she can do it herself. He still stays behind to dry them off. Taeil, Jungwoo, and him move back to the living room to catch up. There’s a love seat and two recliners, Taeil heads to one of them, looking at Jaehyun and nodding to the love seat behind them. Jaehyun sits down first and pats the seat next to him for Jungwoo to sit down, if Jungwoo blushes Jaehyun pretends not to notice.

They talk about everything and nothing, talking about their trips to America and any small events they’ve done in between. They talk about how much they need Jungwoo, that it’s not the same without his presence. Soon enough it’s close to six and Taeyong comes out of the kitchen, laughing with Jungwoo’s mom. 

“I’m bringing your mom back to the dorm Jungwoo, she’s hilarious and a great cook!” They laugh together and Jungwoo stands up.

“Hey, hey, hey! You can’t take my mom! I know she’s amazing but she stays here with me.” Jungwoo lets out a loud harumph.

“Fine, we’ll take you with us then.” Jaehyun says in a more serious tone and Jungwoo turns quickly to look at him. The room gets silent and Jaehyun wonders why he ever says anything at all.

“I-I’d love to go back, you all know that, I just can’t. I know it probably sounds ridiculous but I just don’t feel ready.” He sits back down next to Jaehyun. Leaning all the way back to the couch.

“No, don’t say sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, I know you can’t, I’m being selfish. We just miss you, that’s all.” Jaehyun leans back to his level and places a hand on Jungwoo’s thigh. Despite the now awkward atmosphere, Jungwoo’s mom perks up and asks if anyone wants any dessert. Taeyong makes an “oo” sound but Taeil reminds him it’s getting late; Jaehyun doesn’t want to go. “Just something to go, please Taeil.” He hears Taeyong say, heading towards the kitchen and Taeil nods following him along.

Jaehyun turns to Jungwoo, they’re finally alone and they’re sitting so close Jaehyun thinks he’ll combust.

“I don’t want you to go.” Jungwoo whispers, leaning closer to Jaehyun, grabbing the hand still resting on his thigh.

“Me neither...do you think I could stay?” Jaehyun hesitates to ask but he’s tired of hiding his feelings. He’s here with Jungwoo and he’s happy, there’s no need to act shy anymore.

“Yes! Please! I can give you some pajamas to borrow, my bed is big enough for two, or I can always take the couch.” Jungwoo almost jumps up in his seat but he quickly lets go of Jaehyun’s hand when he sees Taeyong and Taeil round the corner. They’re holding two full bags of leftovers and dessert.

“C’mon Jae, we’re heading out.” Taeyong says as he follows Taeil to the front.

“Actually I was thinking, could I stay the night?” Jaehyun doesn’t know why he’s so scared of asking but Taeyong is scarier than his own parents. Before he can answer, Jungwoo’s mom is already rushing to Jaehyun’s side, pulling him to Jungwoo’s room.

“Of course you can stay, my dear! Here you can take Jungwoo’s room. We have plenty of extra supplies and blankets for you to feel comfortable.” She sounds as excited as Jungwoo did and Taeyong doesn’t have to say anything for Jaehyun to know his response.

“We’ll be leaving then, the manager can pick you up tomorrow, just let us know when.” Taeil says as he ushers Taeyong out. They say thank you to Jungwoo’s mom for being so kind to them and wave before finally heading out the door.

“Drive safe!” Jungwoo says before grabbing Jaehyun’s hand and taking him straight to his room. His mom has already headed back to the kitchen and Jungwoo reminds him that she won’t bother them. It feels strange, being in Jungwoo’s childhood room. The place where he grew up, where he did homework, played with toys and went to sleep in. The room is cluttered but not dirty, he just has a lot of decorations set up. Completed lego sets on desks and drawers, posters of different artists and movies hanging up on the walls, an array of incense and candles. It feels like Jungwoo, even the cute Pororo sheets he has on his bed.

“Ugh, I would’ve changed my sheets if I knew you’d be coming, how embarrassing.” Jungwoo says as he sits on the edge of his bed.

“Don’t be embarrassed, it’s cute.” Jaehyun sits next to him. They sit in silence for a few minutes, taking in the atmosphere and Jaehyun thinks it’s the perfect opportunity to talk about them. It doesn’t feel as awkward as he expected because he knows Jungwoo is happy he’s there. There’s been something between them since they did the North American tour. Jaehyun had always liked Jungwoo but before he didn’t think it was anything more than admiring a friend. It wasn’t until they roomed together at one of the hotels that things felt different. The way Jungwoo looked, tired from the concert and curled up on the bed, making tiny noises as he slept. Jaehyun never felt more like a creep watching him but it made something in his stomach flutter. Jungwoo’s eyelashes resting on his cheeks, his hair brushed out of his face exposing his forehead, the curve of his nose and his lips making a permanent pout. That night he dreamt of Jungwoo wrapped in his arms.

Jaehyun was still oblivious to his feelings despite how much Jungwoo made it obvious he felt the same. He acted much closer than before, wrapping his arms around Jaehyun’s waist as they walked, leaning his head on his shoulders whenever he could. It drove Jaehyun insane, how casually Jungwoo could do this in front of everyone but he always avoided those thoughts, always focused on his job only and keeping their friendship as platonic as he could. It was dangerous anyway, to have a crush on your band mate, how could he possibly allow that to happen.

They’re here now though, sitting on Jungwoo’s childhood bed and sitting so close Jaehyun can feel Jungwoo’s breath ghosting on the corner of his mouth. He leans in, tilting his head to line up with Jungwoo’s. He closes his eyes first so he misses the way Jungwoo’s eyes widen before leaning in all the way.

Kissing Jungwoo is a feeling Jaehyun can’t describe. His lips are soft and plump, slotting perfectly with Jaehyun’s own like they’re meant to be. It’s a euphoric feeling that Jaehyun wishes could last forever and he hopes Jungwoo feels the same. He lets out a whimper against his lips before leaning his whole body on Jaehyun, slowly pushing him down on the bed. He gets on top of him soon enough and they kiss for what feels like hours. Jungwoo backs away first, mumbling something about his arm getting sore. Jaehyun lets out a giggle and stares at Jungwoo’s dark long bangs covering his eyes, lips bruised and a bright pink flush across his face. It makes his stomach flip knowing he did that and Jaehyun wonders if he looks just as disheveled.

He sits up as Jungwoo moves to sit beside him, he’s looking down and Jaehyun takes the opportunity to cup his chin and bring his face up.

“You look beautiful.” He sounds like an idiot, a fool in love but he can’t let Jungwoo forget how good-looking he is, especially like this.

“Oh stop, Mr. Visual.” Jungwoo giggles and instead of responding, Jaehyun pushes forward to kiss him again. It’s short and sweet this time, he doesn’t want to get carried away. He grabs his hand when he backs away, interlocking their fingers and uses his other to brush Jungwoo’s bangs out of his face.

“Does that mean you like me?” Jungwoo blurts out and Jaehyun wants to laugh but he can’t blame him for asking, with how stupid Jaehyun’s acted.

“Yes. I like you, way more than I should.” He tries to give him a smile but he knows it has some sadness behind it. Jungwoo knows, especially with what he’s been dealing with lately. He knows how hard it is to be yourself, to speak about your real problems as an idol. They can handle this though, take it slowly, as cliche as it sounds. It’s their only option.

They talk a little more about themselves, Jungwoo says he’s probably had a crush on Jaehyun since they first met and honestly, Jaehyun would probably say the same. Something about the Jungwoo he met back then, how excited and eager he was to finally be training and doing what he loved, it really left a spot in his heart for him to grow in. They talk for what feels like the whole night, laying on the bed facing each other and kissing and cuddling in between. Jaehyun asks him about what’s in his room, about his parents and his sister and most importantly how he’s been doing these past few months.

“I don’t know if you know how it feels Jaehyun, you never talk about yourself. Towards the end of the tour, I just felt so tired all the time. I had to force myself to get up and do what we had to do. I loved performing the most but at the end of the day I just wanted to quit. I’d constantly think about how easy everything would be if I just wasn’t here. I had never thought that way before and I got so scared I knew I had to do something. I called my mom first, I didn’t tell her everything but I think she understood and that’s when she told me I should take a break. I didn’t want to at all, imagine me, the new member, already leaving. It scared me to know what type of backlash you all and I would receive but I had no choice.” Jungwoo wipes the wetness gathering at the corner of his eyes and curls himself into Jaehyun’s neck. He rubs his back as Jungwoo sniffles into his own shirt that Jaehyun borrowed.

“Why didn’t you tell us how you were feeling? Maybe we couldn’t help but we would’ve tried. You know we‘re always there for you.” Jaehyun is whispering now. Jungwoo gets back up and looks at Jaehyun, his eyes and nose red.

“I just didn’t want to be a burden. You guys were so happy and having so much fun, I didn’t want to be the one to ruin the mood.” He sounds calmer now that he’s let out some of his emotions but it still hurts Jaehyun to see him like this, to think that he’d be bothering them by speaking up.

“Jungwoo, just know that in the future if you’re ever feeling like this again, you can talk to us. We’re all here, I’m here. I want to be the one you confide in, I want to be the one you can feel comfortable with. I want to be the one you come home to, that you hug and kiss and cuddle with. I want to be there for you all the time, the one for you to find when you’re lost in a crowd. Promise me that you’ll find me, all of us.” Jaehyun kisses him before he can respond but the way Jungwoo pushes himself against him, salty tears making their way in between their mouths is enough for Jaehyun to know his answer.

They sleep with their limbs entangled, it’s the first time Jaehyun has slept without waking up at random times. He dreams of Jungwoo, of them performing on stage and finding each other at the end of the show. They hug before going back out to bow to the crowd. Everyone cheers and Jaehyun sees the glow in Jungwoo’s eyes and cheeks. He hopes to see that in real life soon.

In the morning Jungwoo will show Jaehyun his medals and certificates for engineering. They’ll take a walk around the neighborhood and go to the family owned restaurant he’d visit every day after school. Jaehyun will go home after but not before they make out in Jungwoo’s bedroom again. Giving each other enough hugs and kisses to last as long as Jungwoo needs. He’ll visit again for sure this time, as soon as he’s allowed to and in the mean time they’ll text and talk on the phone till their thumbs hurt and their voices go rough. For now, Jaehyun will enjoy the comfort of Jungwoo’s warm breath on his neck and the way his long limbs wrap around his body. He’ll enjoy the smell of Jungwoo’s herbal soap and strawberry shampoo lingering in his nose. He’ll enjoy Jungwoo, for as long as time will allow him.

**Author's Note:**

> Even though I don’t know Jungwoo, I know what depression is like and we should never diagnose anyone! But sometimes you can tell and I’m so happy he’s back and feeling better (from what we see and the members have said) I hope he always knows his members and his fans love him and will be there for him (jaehyun especially ahem)
> 
> Thank you for reading! My friend and I proofread this but if there were any typos I’m sorry ㅠㅠ
> 
> [Twitter](https://Twitter.com/hyuniepeach)


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